#notadildo

So, a couple of weekends ago there was this massive storm, and I had the best post ever about it. I was going to draw pictures and everything, maybe even break out the watercolours. Except nothing I drew could quite encompass the dramatics involved in breaking down* in the worst storm in Wellington in the past 20 years, and nothing could encompass just how menacing power lines down across the road are.

DRAMATIC SCENE

I think I had issues with drawing and writing this up because the drama mostly happened in my head, and in the car, and I’m not really great at drawing cars. I tried a version where I drew the car as the gherkin, but that came out looking unintentionally pornographic, like I rode a giant lumpy green dildo through a massive storm, and had to limbo it under a fallen tree in order to get somewhere warmer than my house to avoid hypothermia.

DILDOCAR

Just to clear any confusion up: I do not own a dildo with wheels. I own a Gherkin, which is a metaphor for a car, which is old, and green, and well-preserved. Like a pickle. #NOTADILDO.

So basically, two weeks ago there was a storm which was excellent blog material, because it was windy enough that there was probably a woman on a bicycle spinning around cackling about getting me, and my little dog too. I promptly lost my blog mojo, and crumpled under the incredible weight of reporting on the fact I survived four days without power, and cooked on a BBQ in the middle of winter, and then wimped out in the face of FREEZING COLD WEATHER, and drove to my dads place where I took a three-hour long hot bath, and cooked a pot of chicken soup big enough to feed a rugby team because: I do not like being cold. AT ALL.

Also I brought a new hat, because I could see my breath inside. It’s kind of a fashion statement, in that I can never wear it in public. So, like a BAD statement. That you never tell anyone about, and hope that there’s no photographic proof.

Dork Hat

Other things I did during the crazy storm:

  • Lit candles and crossed all my fingers and toes I wouldn’t have to break the news about the hairdye on the carpet to my landlords along with an “Oh, and I accidentally burnt down the living room, because it’s dark in there when there’s no power.”
  • Avoided the mirror for three days because my shower needs a water pump to work so my hair was like WHOA, and I have this irrational fear of looking in the mirror in the dark, and seeing someone else looking back at me. And when I say irrational fear, I mean totally justified, because DUDES IT CAN TOTALLY HAPPEN. I’ve heard stories. And they end with words like “and then everyone died.”
  • Upgraded to a metal torch, which works as both a source of light, bright enough to illuminate a suspicious sheep on the next ridgeline, and a weapon in the case of a zombie apocalypse. And it was on sale! 20% off Bitches!
  • Spent multiple hours in the car charging my phone enough to post a quick “I’m alive” to facebook and text people who wanted to double-check I wasn’t trapped down a cliff, or under a fallen tree.

*When I say break down? I mean ran out of petrol, because I was playing chicken with my fuel light, and the fuel light won. Cocky know-it-all bastard.

** Don’t judge the spelling on my awesome post-it note drawings. I don’t do well without spell check. Also, you’re lucky I drew anything because I’ve been failing at the storm pictures for real.

4 thoughts on “#notadildo

  1. So happy you survived. Before you forget, more gas for the bbq. Just in case. Lu

  2. Hey Dad, yup, already took care of it earlier this week. Also thinking about finding a gas heater, because while I can live without power, it turns out I’m a bit of a wimp about living without heat!

  3. I LOVE the gherkin picture… it doesn’t look like a dildo to me. It looks like a motorbike, made out of a giant gherkin.

    Glad you survived the storm.

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