This is for you, Arse Sucking Mother Fucker.

So, on Friday some Arse Sucking Mother Fucker (or ASMF) smashed my window with a spark plug tied to a piece of string. The spark plug didn’t work half as efficiently as it usually does in cars (no safety glass, you see), and so the ASMF was probably forced to widen the hole a little by hand.

The ASMF then reached in and grabbed my computer, Marvin, and hauled arse outta there, only stopping to disengage the Internet cable and the mouse when they slowed him/her down on the stairs. 

Marvin, seeing an opportunity to get out of the house that had treated him so badly over the years, threw himself willingly into the arms of the offender. As they both alighted the stairs to freedom Marin disengaged his “esc” key, leaving us a clear message.

Marvin had escaped the building, and was going on to live his dream of living in a grungy old gang pad.

Karlie got home around 5pm, and saw the destruction the ASMF had wrought, and called me and the cops to inform them of the escape.

The cops didn’t buy the story of a kidnapping by an ASMF, or the story that Marvin was an escaped detainee, and a serious threat to the public. They logged the incident in the system as a burglary, which is fine by me. They have Marvin’s serial number, and they’re keeping an eye out for him, which is about all anyone can do.

The cops think they have a 50% chance of getting him back, although who knows what sort of a time frame they’re looking at. I personally think they’re over-estimating the intelligence of the ASMF. Clearly anyone who goes out of their way to haul an unwieldy, and notoriously uncooperative, Mac G4 out of a jagged hole in a window and up onto the road, in full view of anyone walking down the street, is not firing on all cylinders.

In other words, Marvin, if you’re reading this, you are an idiot. You’ve given up the relative safety of my desk in order to live in the corner of a room in a squalid tip. You will probably only occasionally ever be turned on again, and those times will be in search of the internet, and porn. Once the ASMF has exhausted him/herself trying to find Explorer (hint for the ASMF: Marvin doesn’t like explorer, so we use a myriad of other programs, depending on the website we’re about to visit) he/she will probably resort to using you as a dart board.

Marvin enjoy your new life with the underbelly of society. You may think that you have escaped, but I can guarantee you that you’ll look back on out time together and see it in a whole new light after a year with that Arse Sucking Mother Fucker.

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11 thoughts on “This is for you, Arse Sucking Mother Fucker.

  1. That sucks, but Marvin sounded like a dick anyways, so good riddance! He’ll know how good he had it later, and then he’ll be sorry.
    On a side note, 6 years back, I had gotten my very own brand new car (leased) and drove it home. I parked it overnight and the next morning came out to discover someone had thrown a rock through his beautiful new back window. He earned the nickname Smashy from that. Sadly, he was smashed once more (again while parked on the street, while I was in my house). He had a rough life, that Smashy did.

  2. Becks: It’s entirely possible, although as a computer Marvin didn’t really take drugs. He was probably more into the trafficing side of things. Besides gang members just aren’t that smart… I think it was a spur of the moment type thing.

    Wendy: Yeah I’ll have to. I’m going to go for a laptop that I can hide, and take to uni with me (Yeah: Uni’s coming up in Feb, which is soon. NEED COMPUTER FASTER THAN I CAN EARN MONEY…)

    Jayne: Yeah it is, but at the end of the day a break in isn’t the worst thing that could happen. It’s a pain, but it’s pretty low down on the list of things I worry about and it’s pretty much non-existant on the exhaustive list of things I fear.

    Mintea, Yeah, I think the last words I ever said to that bitch of a computer were swear words… I just try not to think abou the fact that it had my mock up for a tattoo on it… That thing had 10+ hours of work in it already, and was nearly ready to be done.

    Talea: It’s a fucking pain isn’t it?? I almost wish I could have come home while the bastard was still struggling up the stairs with the comp. I’d be happy to get one good shot at him…

  3. holy crap, I HATE what Marvin did to you, but I LOVE the story that came out of it…let’s say you get the last laugh…(or I do, ’cause I laughed multiples times while reading this 🙂 )

    PS: but seriously it really sucks to lose a computer, and I’m sorry it happened, and I hope the cops get it back!!!

  4. Feel for ya babe. I know the burglars around here are feeling the brunt of messing with my girl. Cracked the team up when I said I wasn’t going to be nice anymore to anyone with a number after their name.

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