Yesterday was a royal arsefuck of a day. Like. Completely.
I woke up late, so instead of walking with Louise to catch an early bus I walked with Karlie to catch the late one. As we were leaving the house I said that I couldn’t help but feel I should just go back to bed and call in sick. After all, I do have a ton of sick days owing to me.
I didn’t crawl back into bed though. I went to work like a responsible adult, and oh my holy god did it suck. Due to Uni I was only there till 1.45, but that whole freaking time I was on the verge of tears.
I made a big fuck up earlier in the week because I was off doing someone elses’ job, and not my own. It came back to bite in a big way. My boss sat there and asked for an explanation, and what he was supposed to do with my screw up, and I had to keep repeating that I was sorry and that I had simply fucked up.
It wasn’t really a solution, and it certainly wasn’t an excuse, but you can’t really go back in time and undo a fuck up now can you?
So yeah. Bad day.
And worse yet? I was sitting at my desk thinking how much I dislike admin work, and how another month or two seems too long in this job, and then I was wondering what on earth I’m going to do with myself next year for money.
I don’t really want to do admin again, I’m so freaking bored with answering phones, and typing acknowledgement letters. And I don’t want to have to go back to customer services type work, because in general I hate the public, and it hates me right back. So what am I going to do? Office work is dry and blah, and not generally all that flexible with the hours.
The more I thought about it the more depressed I felt. I have years and years worth of this ‘working’ crap ahead of me, and I’m so over it all already.
After I was done feeling sad about having to work I started thinking about how my birthday is coming up. When I think about getting older I automatically worry about all the stuff I haven’t had the chance to do. For example: I haven’t managed to learn how to speak French or Spanish, I haven’t traveled anywhere (and *sob* everyone else has), I don’t have any really awesome work experiences, and I don’t even know how to belly dance yet!
How the heck am I going to fit all that stuff into my already packed schedule? I’ve skipped Taekwon Do and the gym for the past two weeks (I’ve been sick), and it’s been such a relief not having to run out and find energy after work. I’ve been going straight home, cooking meals and napping. And now I have to fit them back into my schedule, because I’ve made commitments to both.
How do you fit weekly belly dancing lessons into that mix?? Without forgoing sleep entirely that is…
Then as I was leaving work I remembered something: I’m only 22. I’ve got years and years and years to learn how to belly dance, and travel overseas, and find an awesome, fun, and fulfilling job. I really don’t know why I keep putting all this pressure on myself to do all this crap so early in life. Perhaps it’s just my impatience with the whole ‘being young’ thing.
After uni I was feeling all washed out and tired, so instead of going to Taekwon Do I went to the supermarket and wandered for an hour and a half like a trolley zombie. Generally I avoid the supermarket when I don’t feel so good, my bank account just can’t handle it.
This time I didn’t buy junk food though. I got all healthy – which was a hell of a shock to me. I brought millet, wheatgerm, oats (for my home made muesli), sunflower and pumpkin seeds, more vegetables (I brought ton on Sunday at the vege market), canned vegetables, yogurt, legumes, and ok, sure there was a packet of toffee pops. I avoided the meat chiller, because more and more these days the idea of chowing down on animal flesh makes me shudder and gag.
Also? I wanted wholegrain pasta, but there was no wholegrain pasta! There was organic, and gluten free, and spelt, corn, and rice pasta, but no wholegrain. So I stood in the organics aisle and did my best no to weep like a two year old. Noooo wholegrain pasta!
Then I found some packages of organic wholegrain spaghetti but because the magic word (organic) was used it was $17 for a packet. I had to suppress my tears of disappointment by staring very intently at a toilet paper display. $17 for a paaacketttt.
Lastly, horror of all horrors, my favorite brand of cous cous was too high for me to reach. I very nearly sat down in the middle of the aisle and gave up. I really wanted that cous cous. I had big plans for it. So with a determined snuffle I went and rammed my trolley into the back of a young employee and forced him to get me my two boxes down. He was a little worried, I don’t think he’s ever been held at trolley point for cous cous before.
I’m alright now of course. It was just a stupid day.