Happily Ever After. Or not.

So I went on a date this morning. Honestly? I’ve been putting off dating this year, I mean I LOVE doing it, and I really genuinely enjoy meeting new people, but this year I haven’t felt very worthy of dating. I’ve had this big flashing ‘Damaged Goods’ sign stuck above my head.

I’m pretty sure it’s only me who thinks that, but at my lowest points this year I just plain-old couldn’t see that. I could barely see past the end of my own unmade bed.

Then I realised that most normal people don’t have to fight anxiety, dread, and mind-numbing exhaustion, just to drag themselves out of bed. Normal people don’t stay awake until 4am because it’s easier, somehow, than the 10pm-7am sleep schedule the rest of the world seems to be on. Normal people don’t spend weeks at a time only pretending to smile, because they’re worried that people might notice if they don’t.

Needless to say, I got myself some help.

Thank god.

Now I’m feeling like it’s time to rejoin the rest of the human race. Heck, it might even be time to start allowing myself to have some fun again.

And: Dating is awesome. And Funny. Even when the guy is so not your type. (Especially when the guy is not your type!)

For my first date in over six months, I decided to go easy on myself. I picked a guy with a nice normal name, with a nice normal internet profile, on one of the less threatening dating websites.

He works with computers, and had no real hobbies (unless you count fishing, and walking, and breathing. I don’t.)

I talked with him for a few minutes on skype last night confirming that he’s not a serial killer. I’m fairly certain he’s not. In fact? He seemed a little bewildered as to why I wanted to know if he’d ever considered wearing someone elses skin, or engaging in extreme axe-play.

(Just FYI, if you’re an internet dater, the serial killer test is VITAL. You never know when your movie date is going to end up bringing his favorite chainsaw.)

This morning there was a slight work emergency, so I texted to warn him I’d be a little late, and he was all ‘it’s cool, I’m a little early.’ I rock up 10 minutes later, and he’s eating a cheesecake. For breakfast.

A. Cheesecake.

For. Breakfast.

First impressions: He wasn’t fat, just soft. He doesn’t work out. Ever. Also? His hair is thinning. Also? Eating a Cheesecake. For Breakfast. (No, I’m not ready to let that go.)

I’m aware that this is all totally shallow, but we have to be realistic here. It takes less than 10 seconds for the average woman to ascertain whether she finds someone attractive. If I’m not attracted to him, I’m not going to ever sleep with him. It really doesn’t matter how sparkling his personality is.

Luckily I didn’t have any personality/looks dilemma, because he kind of didn’t have a sparkling personality. Within a minute of meeting him I realise that he’s kind of a prick. And, while sometimes the pricks can be hot and fun, this guy was not hot, and the least funny person I’ve ever met – and I worked with politicians for three years. I’ve met some pretty un-funny people.  

Also?: He was a 31 year old man-child. He pretty much sat there and expected me to ask him questions. While he stared unashamed at my boobs.

So I was like. ‘Meh. This sucks… might as well have a little fun with it…’ 

So I spent the next half hour lying about ridiculous things, and spinning pretty impossible tall-tales. I told him all about my passionate dream to move to Mongolia, and make cheese.

He didn’t catch on.

I was mildly sarcastic, and slightly bitchy, and he still didn’t quite get it.

And I talked about yurts. And somehow I kept a straight face. And this guy just nods away happily, looking mildly stunned.

He believed EVERYTHING. And then at some point he realises that his travel dreams (Hawkes bay, England, and Australia) are probably going to be a little tame for someone who wants to make yak cheese in Mongolia, while living in a yurt, so he says he’s always wanted to go to Egypt, and he’s suddenly developed a passion for archaeology.

(Despite having only ever mentioned a passion for fishing, walking, and golf before now.)

I tell him about scuba diving, and snorkelling in Rarotonga. He shudders in horror. He’s scared of water, and doesn’t know how to swim. He sees nothing wrong with that – despite enjoying fishing off boats. 

I ask about sports, and he tells me all about golf, which, actually, I’d class in more of a hobby category. I tell him about how much I enjoy Taekwon Do, and Boxing. He tilts his head like a confused labrador, and asks why.

I ask him about his plans for Christmas and New Years, and he shrugs. He’s probably not going to do anything, because all his friends are married and having babies, so none of them have organised anything this year.

Oh, and he’s definitely very, very vanilla in bed. Like, missionary with the lights off under the covers on Sunday night, vanilla. (Naturally, I didn’t ask him outright, but I feel like I’ve got him pretty figured out.)

Oh, and when I asked him what he does in his spare time he told me all about how he downloads his TV programmes and movies. Like this guy spends his ENTIRE life watching TV via his computer.

He was clearly a commitment phobic, so I decided to fuck with him a little, and start dropping hints about marriage, and babies, and how I’m so ready to meet ‘the one’. 

Then he starts telling me about all the crazy stalkers that he’s met online. Apparently he’s such a catch, that girls used to show up at his work, and watch him. Also, there was one girl he went on a date with then said he’d like to see her again, and she went out and brought a $20,000 wedding dress.

I’m pretty sure he was lying his boring pants off.

Also? He was wearing sneakers, and he had a mobile phone clipped to the belt of his badly fitting black jeans.

No… just… No!

I made my escape, thanking him politely for the date and (in my mind at least) making it pretty clear I’m not interested. A few minutes later he text(ed?) me and was all ‘hey so movie on Wednesday?’ and I turned him down by telling him we were complete opposites, and that I just wasn’t attracted to him.

Good god. Dating is fabulous. There’s nothing more satisfying than meeting someone completely and utterly wrong for you.

I’m STILL laughing.


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