I miss my own bed, and my own room. My own four walls and solid heavy door.
The thing about depression is that it leaves you exhausted. I find it hard to concentrate on even the simplest things sometimes. Following the thread of a conversation can even be too much for me. I have a tendency to wander off and do my own thing, just to get a break from the relentless struggle to focus on the people I’d like to be socialising with.
Talking, is sometimes an issue. I find myself verbally stumbling over my own vocabulary. Hunting and picking for words that just seconds ago were bright and clear in my head. It scares me, because I don’t forget words.
Fighting to find the words again, and spit them out is exhausting. And worth it. I miss lazy afternoons with friends.
So while I wouldn’t give up this past few weeks with friends and family for anything, I am glad that it’s nearly time to go back to Wellington.
I plan to drop my bags in the corner of my room obscured by my desk. I’ll shut my door with a definitive shove, and I’ll draw my curtains across my window, and I’ll sleep. Solidly.
Then I’ll face up to the possibility that my medication isn’t quite working the way it should.
I’ll face up to the fact that this year I need to be physically fitter. That I’m not happy at my current weight. That I might not be able to financially, or mentally be able to afford to study in semester one. That I’m not happy in my current financial situation.
I’ll face up to setting definitive goals for 2011, and the years ahead. I don’t like setting real goals. They make me face the possibility of real failure.
So while I’m looking forward to arriving home to the Te Aro Mansion, I’m also dreading it a little.
Luckily I still have another day or two to put off my serious thought, and simply enjoy spending time with friends.
Do you have goals for 2011? Inspire me, what are they?