A little post-midnight crisis.

I’m tired.

I miss my own bed, and my own room. My own four walls and solid heavy door.

The thing about depression is that it leaves you exhausted. I find it hard to concentrate on even the simplest things sometimes. Following the thread of a conversation can even be too much for me. I have a tendency to wander off and do my own thing, just to get a break from the relentless struggle to focus on the people I’d like to be socialising with.

Talking, is sometimes an issue. I find myself verbally stumbling over my own vocabulary. Hunting and picking for words that just seconds ago were bright and clear in my head. It scares me, because I don’t forget words.

Fighting to find the words again, and spit them out is exhausting. And worth it. I miss lazy afternoons with friends.

So while I wouldn’t give up this past few weeks with friends and family for anything, I am glad that it’s nearly time to go back to Wellington.

I plan to drop my bags in the corner of my room obscured by my desk. I’ll shut my door with a definitive shove, and I’ll draw my curtains across my window, and I’ll sleep. Solidly.

Then I’ll face up to the possibility that my medication isn’t quite working the way it should.

I’ll face up to the fact that this year I need to be physically fitter. That I’m not happy at my current weight. That I might not be able to financially, or mentally be able to afford to study in semester one. That I’m not happy in my current financial situation.

I’ll face up to setting definitive goals for 2011, and the years ahead. I don’t like setting real goals. They make me face the possibility of real failure.

So while I’m looking forward to arriving home to the Te Aro Mansion, I’m also dreading it a little.

Luckily I still have another day or two to put off my serious thought, and simply enjoy spending time with friends.

Do you have goals for 2011? Inspire me, what are they?

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10 thoughts on “A little post-midnight crisis.

  1. You need to go home!

    Goals? I need to lose weight and shape up a bit. I’ve got to paint the kitchen and dining area. I’ve got to go through the house, room by room, cupboard by cupboard, and clear away the unneeded flotsam. I really MUST do some work on my novel. If I’m ever going to write it I must get to it and see if I can even conjure up a coherent story!

    Goals? naw

  2. Hey girl! Hang in there!!

    My endocrinologist says that I must, too, lose weigth, do some serious workout, and say goodbye to sugar and flour. See? it’s three of us that have goals in common. It’s not so tough when goals are shared, isn’t it?

    And Shan, I have this gut feeling that you’re gonna do just fine, despite all the problems, present or future. Guts are never wrong, so there. Once you settle back home you’ll be Ok.

    To the other person replying, don’t let anything get in the way between you and that novel project of yours. I just know you can do a lot more than come up with a coherent story.

    How do I know all this? Hmm, I just know.

    For the both of you, an invitation to have a great 2011, even with those stones on the road.

  3. hmm. goals. goals are good. i should.. um.. come up with some. am clearly very inspired AND inspiring this morning 😛

  4. Hey Leaf,

    Sounds like what you need the most is the sleep.

    You know, what always helps me when I’m totally exhausted is to really get down to what’s wrong. Lists are good. For example: Start: “Why am I so stressed? What would make me less stressed?” Next step: answers, which can be best-case scenarios. Such as: “I would be less stressed if I had….” So maybe for you it’s if you were at X weight, with X cash, and the drugs were kicking in. Sure, great big things but… allows for the small steps to get there… make sense?

    I think defining exactly what would make me feel better helps…. hope you feel better soon, honey.

  5. I think my goals are … to keep my house cleaner. Be more organized. Get on a budget and stick with it. Eat healthier food. Learn more about gardening.

    I don’t think those are particularly inspiring, but I’m glad you told me to write them down. They feel official now 🙂

  6. I have a friend who went thru what you’re going thru and came out the other side.
    He use to like to meet with people, then instantly regret it because of the added
    problem of having to communicate. Not too dissimilar to your own predicament.
    He was happy to have visitors who just came around.
    No need for talk. Just reading the newspaper was fine with him.
    After an hour or so, you’d hop up; say ‘see ya next time’ and leave.
    That made him happy. We knew him. He knew us. No offence was ever meant or taken.

    Surround yourself with people who aren’t hard work or needy.
    These people will turn out to be the best friends you ever had.

    Goals:
    Always good to have goals but two things.
    Firstly, allow yourself some wiggle room. As they say, “Aim for the moon. If you miss you’re still
    amongst the stars”
    If you’re too strict with the goal and fall at the first hurdle, it might be ‘screw this’ and that’s the end
    of your goal.
    Secondly, don’t put up so many goals that you make it impossible for yourself.
    How many times have you heard “New Years. I’m going to stop smoking, lose weight and start exercising.”?
    Have a set of goals written down, then work out an order for them to be accomplished. Do one or
    two at a time.

    OK. I see our time is up. This was a great meeting. I think we are making some real progress.
    See the secretary on the way out and she’ll sort out our next appointment. Lol.

  7. Happy New Year to you Leafy! I can relate to both your need to hibernate and socialize. I can also relate to verbal overload. I communicate so much better in writing than I do in person. I often find myself tripping over my own thoughts during face to face discussions. My last boyfriend said I would often neglect to finish my sentences. I’m trying to work on that. As for wishful going and staying, try to find the balance wherever you are. A little down time amongst friends is never a bad thing 🙂

    Goals, hmmm … I have a few seemingly never-ending goals … always always always chasing the elusive target weight. I may give that dream up. I have a bedroom project I need to complete (which involves stripping lead based paint off of 90 year old wooden molding — likely spelled moulding by you), sanding, priming, repainting and hiring a professional to retrofit said molding to room. I also aspire to continue my clutter busting bent on the homefront. Here’s hoping!

  8. Honestly, I can’t say I sat down and set any goals for 2011. I think I’m more-or-less continuing to pursue the goals that I had set for myself last year… and those weren’t even all that thought out! 🙂

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