Yes. I am taking the piss. How did you figure it out?

Shoot. I have something to write about here, but I have to start by telling you that I just opened a yoghurt pottle the wrong way, and it splattered yoghurt all over my top. I’m wearing a nice top today, too. One that people are going to NOTICE the yoghurt stains on.

At least I’ve already had my counseling appointment today. I don’t have to rock up all: ‘Opps, I’m wearing yoghurt on my top – and not as a fashion statement.’

It makes me feel better about being a bit of a hot-mess sometimes if I can show up to counselling looking polished, and clean – like I’ve at least showered and brushed my own hair this week. Not that my counsellor gives a crap how I look. She cares more about how the lines on my forehead move when I’m trying to get away with a half-truth. (Or as us in the profession call them: lies.)

Anyway.

Today I have big news! Big, non-yoghurt related, news.

I received a marriage proposal this morning, via an internet dating site that I’m on.

(Pause for much squealing and congratulatory well wishing)

It was from a 33 year-old Columbian man, who is currently living in the USA… And guys?? He’s a doctor! Or at least he will be once he’s finished another seven-or-so years of study.

Admittedly, this is the first time that Man from Columbia (who I affectionately call Snookiewookums) has ever contacted me, but it was love at first internet dating message for both of us.

He started by introducing himself. Snookiewookums unfortunately forgot to include his name, but it’s ok. Names are overrated when you have a soul-deep connection like we do. I doubt he knows mine either, considering he addressed the letter to ‘Dear Sweet One’.

Le sigh. Sweet One. It’s so romantic. I’ve always longed for someone to see past my generic ‘Shannon’ label, into my soft, gushy heart, and label me ‘Sweet One’. It’s so bold, and brash, and unique! He sees me for the rare gem – and the high blood-sugared individual – that I am.

He told me all about his life, in the United States, and how he seeks knowledge through our education system. It may have only been three sentences, But I already feel like I know my Columbian Gentleman better than I’ve ever known any other human being. And guys? We’re perfect for each other.

He’s a student, I’m a student. He’s lived in USA, and one day I would like to travel there. He comes from Columbia, and I once read a report on the human rights and political system in Columbia. He’s ready to settle down, and I’m ready to be taken in-hand and shown my womanly duty by a manly head-of-the-household type. He wants to move to New Zealand, and obtain an residents visa, I’m a New Zealand Citizen!

We’d be good for each other.

No sooner did I come to this conclusion, than he textually sweeps me off my feet, and proposes. It was the most romantic thing ever. And I read romance books by the truck-load. I know romance.

He said “I am looking for to get married for the purposes of residency visas.”

I know, I know, he’s couched it all as if it’s actually for a visa, or something, but guys. This is a male we’re talking about. He’s not quite as in touch with his feelings as us ladies. He’s desperately trying to cover up his DEEP LONGING to be with me.

It’s alright Snookiewookums. The world may not understand you, but I, shadow of your soul, reflection of your heart, I DO understand you. My Columbian Gentleman, of course I’ll marry you. Was it ever in doubt? Did your heart ever question the devotion of mine? Of course not. For a love, such as ours, is pure, and deep, like the two most singularly, pure, deep wells of spring water high upon the mountaintops. We are untouched by humanity, only to trickle ever gradually together, into a gushing torrent: a river of oneness!

Now, if you will all excuse me, I have to go put this poor man out of his misery. (I can hardly believe I’m getting married!)

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16 thoughts on “Yes. I am taking the piss. How did you figure it out?

  1. I’m sure your parents are beyond thrilled! What part of the US will you be residing in? Perhaps we can have lunch.

  2. Ba ha ha you made my day! Congratulations! Can I be bridesmaid? I think some of those dresses from Expressions will be PERFECT! Oh gosh darn, another wedding this year! I am soooo excited!

  3. Hello Princess. Dad Here!

    I also received a text today from 353877539518
    “Congratulations! Your mobile Number has won 500,000 00USD in the ongoing USA MOBILE LOTTERY. Ref US10J8
    Contact Mary Snider at (usa mlty w. cn) for claim.”

    If I believed the text, I’d believe you too………..soo when’s the big day??
    I’ll take some leave. lol

  4. What an amazing coincidence! I’ve received a letter from the late wife of Gurumbi Unawa. She needs my bank account number to deposit five million dollars and is willing to cut me in with one million.

    When the transaction is confirmed I’ll remember to send you one of those expensive wedding presents. 🙂

  5. I’m always getting yogurt on myself…even more frequently is the juice from fruit cups.

    I know we just blog-met, but Can I be your maid of honor? At least a bridesmaid. A guest?

  6. Will you be taking your vows here in the U.S.? I’d totally love to come to the ceremony, especially if there’s an open bar which, I am sure, any guy as classy as Snookiewookums would be only too happy to provide. That’s it, pencil me in, I’m so there. 😀

  7. Oh wheeeeeeeeeeee! Weddings are such fun … Are you registered yet? Will you be looking for china or maybe a cow, goat and chicken to start off your married life? I’m not sure what the postage would cost for a cow or a goat, but I could probably afford the postage to mail you a chicken 🙂

  8. Congrats on the upcoming marriage…now delete the visa/green card stuff before INS sees it!!! 😉

  9. Hi every one – sad news, the Columbian Gentleman and I called it quits. Unfortunately he seemed to be overwhelmed by his feelings, and completely unprepared to deal with them. He didn’t even reply to my email, after I feverantly accepted his proposal, and professed my everlasting love.

    Oh well. I’m sure we will love each other forever, it’s just much more romantic, and tragic this way!

    It wasn’t me, it was him, he just wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship.

    Also, I think he may have decided to immigrate to Australia, instead of here in New Zealand.

  10. Oh my god. I am literally laughing my ass off. This was great. I was totally unprepared for the announcement of your upcoming nuptials!!! And now to read that the engagement is off – oh what a wonderful rollercoaster ride this post was for me! Loved it! By the way, hope the yoghurt came out of your blouse! 🙂

  11. My condolences for your engagement breakup. Perhaps he was not as savvy as you were in reading between the lines. Perhaps your acceptance upon a very large bank deposit came across to him as something that was not a deep longing but of a monetary gain. Oh well, his loss for not being more contemplative.

    There will be others. There are lots of visa-seeker fishes in the sea.

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