The week of confrontation.

Oy. I totally just dropped a brick on my foot, while emptying the compost bin. Now I have a big brick-shaped indent on the top of my foot, surrounded by some serious swelling.

On the up-side, that bruise is going to look really badass in a few days.

(Although… Is that an ‘up side’ if it means I’m stuck in jandals -flip flops- for the next week? I’m not sure…)

This week has been a week for confrontation – which means it was a little up and down for me. Being a Libra, I’m generally not so much for the confrontation. It’s so… confrontational.

Thankfully, confrontation isn’t always such a bad thing. Sometimes it’s just people asking you in a very straight forward way about whether you’re ok.

So the first ‘confrontation’ was actually my flatmate. She wanted to talk about how I’m doing, because she’s been noticing that I’ve been letting the stress get me down a little. (Or… You know… A lot.) She made me confront the issue of my medication. It doesn’t seem to be doing enough right now – and I’ve been waffling around about whether I need to increase my dosage for the past three months now.

It feels like a total failure on my part, at times, that I need medication to ‘prop me up’ I mean, I’m intelligent, resourceful, I have huge potential, but I can’t get out of bed some mornings? Seriously?!

I absolutely hate that I need medication, but I’m slowly accepting that the SSRI’s leave me that much more able to deal with the important things – things like getting out of bed. Working. Making decisions for the future, and hunting for my dream job.

My next confrontation was family driven – it turns out they’ve been a little worried about me, and my predisposition for going radio-silent on them when I’m having a rough time actually scares the crap out of them sometimes. Understandably.

I’ve always thought that I’m a bit of an over-sharer, so it’s a surprise to hear the people around me talk about how private I am, how ‘independent‘ I can be (which, really is a nice way of saying stubborn), and how emotionally ‘strong‘ I am…. Now that whole strong thing? It makes me laugh my ass off… because: Ha. Ho. Haha. Right.

Some days I feel as strong as a paper bag full of water.

It helps that I read a quote from somewhere the other day that said: “Depression is not weakness. Depression is a result of having to be strong for too long.” It made a fair bit of sense to me.

I made a point of emailing both parental units and letting them know – fully and honestly – how I’m doing. I also made a point of promising that I’d try taking a moment or two to send the odd email. Just so that everyone knows I’m still ok.

And my final confrontation? (Oh god, touch wood, throw salt, and lick a bunny foot that it’s the final confrontation) Was, naturally, work related. The boss stepped in to clean up a situation, and his solution involved me taking over – naturally the person I’m taking over from is more than a little upset at this.

I came out on top… I think… But I feel a little like I was in the wrong – even though I know there was nothing I did to cause it.

I think it boils down to me hating tension and drama in the workplace. I’d much rather everyone got along, and held hands, and danced in sunbeams, whilst singing about friendship and co-operation. Unfortunately that’s not the way real adults behave sometimes.

Still. One can dream.

Fingers crossed that next week is the week of lollipops. Or sunbeams in the workplace (which would be a real miracle, because of the ‘no window’ situation.)

How’s your week shaping up so far?

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13 thoughts on “The week of confrontation.

  1. Hi Shannon.

    Would you feel it a failure if you had to take medication for high blood pressure? Not even for a second. Right? You’d just pop’em pills and feel glad they existed.

    Your situation with medication is no different.

    Why don’t you make an effort to get rid of all those negative feelings? Failure? Why should you drag a sensation of failure and guilt over something you have absolutely no control?

    You’ve mentioned failure and guilt before. Don’t let that feeling take control. Let me tell you if you erradicate that word from your life, there is nothing you can’t achieve. 🙂

    Alex.

  2. Oh and I so very much hate confrontation, just like you. Many people read that as a license to push you around. When one is fed up of being pushed around, then comes the “Reaktion”.

    Reaktion: Violent response to confrontation, with ear biting and all.

    (I’m working on the ear biting part, trying to avoid that).

  3. I am terrible at confrontation. TERRIBLE. I end up taking a lot of crap from people simply b/c it’s easier than SHOUTING SHUT THE EFF UP. But I am making myself a bigger priority this new year. I’ve decided to take a stand where I am concerned, not always be “mrs. nice guy.” It helps that I have an awesome family who always have my back. It sounds like you do too. Sometimes it’s hard to be open & honest, but people worry when you’re not communicative – especially those who love you. Sounds like you’re on the right track too. Good luck w/ things at work. That can be especially jarring, but it sounds like you’re doing a good job there as well.

  4. First of all, I love that quote about depression. I’ll have to remember that one.

    Don’t feel guilty about the meds, but don’t become dependent on them either. At some point, your physiology will adjust to them and they’ll no longer have any effect (I’ve seen it happen). They’re a tool while you’re learning new ways of thinking.

    Hope the work-stress goes away, and bravo on keeping the parental units informed (they like that sort of thing). As for the foot, if anyone pisses you off, just point to your foot and say “See that? That’s from when I roundhouse-kicked the last person who pissed me off. Don’t mess with me.” 🙂

  5. Child unit,
    Love ya and am proud of ya.
    Parental unit.

    We have a different version of ‘confrontation’ It’s called: Ask, Tell, Make.

    We caught this 18yr old who demanded that the 4 kids he was ‘standing over’ give him their ipos and cellphones.
    Back at the station…
    Ask “turn around. When I take this handcuff off, put your hand on the wall”
    Tell “I said put the hand on the wall. Do not move it!”
    Make (he moved it).
    Straight into a backwards headlock, kiss the concrete, another Officer straight into a leg lock.
    I love my job. Would something like that work for you maybe??! lol

  6. I agree with Ormie. If your arm is broken, you put it in a cast. If you have cancer, you get chemo. If you’re depressed … you get the picture. Medicine is medicine.

    P.S. I’m also a Libra, and confrontation is *so* confrontational. Eek!

  7. I’m amazed with how open you are with the depression talk. I hope someday I can be as vocal about my mental health. You are inspirational.

    Medication is a toughie. A lot of times I go off of it thinking “I should be able to do this on my own” or “I’m feeling normal again”. But really I’m throwing my body chemistry all out of whack and my brain’s dopamine/serotonin needs a little help to keep going. Pairing drugs with talk therapy can be really helpful too.

    Hang in there. I’m glad you have family and friends who can check in with you and notice the small things. Sounds like you have a lot of love on your side.
    Plus, you are hilarious. That helps 🙂

  8. I’m a cuspy one … I missed being Libra by one day. Instead, I’m Scorpion … and I might be a bit confrontational now and then. I rarely have trouble getting out of bed, but I do suffer from a mild depression and wicked PMS, so I have inquired about taking some meds even though I DON’T WANT to take meds for either problem. I just think it’s best that I do for the sake of others. The Scorpion in me can be a biter, and my nearly Libra side makes me feel bad about that.

    My weeks is shaping up now that Friday is in sight. Honestly though, work has been working on causing my mental death for over a year now. Hopefully, this too shall pass.

  9. “Some days I feel as strong as a paper bag full of water.”

    I too love your openness about what you’re going through, and especially your fantastic way of making it come alive to the reader. I absolutely adore the above image. You have a way with words that’s a real gift, and your frankness about things is refreshing, comforting, and awesome.

    Quite simply, I thoroughly enjoy you. 🙂

  10. I really like that quote. I have seen it before but had forgotten it.
    And confrontation? Ergh. Im Libra too, and nearly have a full scale panic attack everytime I get near confrontation.
    And don’t feel like a failure with the medication. Its just like the others have said… its a medical condition that can be made easier to deal with by popping a pill (although I do know what you mean, I have just come to deal with it now!). And it doesnt mean you will be taking them forever – just long enough to get back up on your feet. Hope you have got the dosage right now, and if that doesnt work, that they will try something else for you to get back up there.
    And the brick? ouch. Makes my running-over-my-foot-with-the-gate incident on Tuesday pale in comparison! I’s be telling everyone too!

  11. Aw. You guys are the best. I love all the support, anecdotes, and advice. 🙂 I have the best commenters on the web.

    I’m sending warm fuzzy feelings to every single one of you!

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