I’d be sleeping if I wasn’t quaking.

My blood test results came back today. My doctor called to tell me that nothing was too out of the ordinary.

On one hand I’m relieved, because I would really like to not have to take more pills every morning – and thyroid issues don’t sound fun.

On the other hand I’m disappointed.

If there’s nothing physically wrong with me, then the reason I’ve been so exhausted lately is a mental block, rather than a physical one. And that means there’s some stuff going on depression-wise that I’m obviously not on top of. So yes. Disappointed, but relieved.

So this afternoon – after a little bit of sobbing over my gym shoes – I dragged myself into the gym. It was damned hard to do. I nearly stopped myself from pulling on my yoga pants. Then I couldn’t find a sports bra. Then my drink bottle was empty, and filling it is So. Much. Work. Then I stood for five minutes on the steps by the front door, convinced that this was a waste of time.

It wasn’t though: Yesterday I only managed 20 minutes of a class because my feet and hips felt like they were full of concrete. Today I pushed myself through an hour and a half of exercise, and actually ended up enjoying it a little. Riiighht at the very end.

I guess it helps that I did Combat, which is punchy and kicky and perfect for dealing with my current anger management issues. I also did a half class of Jam, which is dancey and fun. I even laughed a little. So it worked. Mood lifted.

I think I’ve spent far too little time at the gym lately. I just don’t feel like it’s working for keeping my weight under control like it used to. It probably also does not help that my mood has been extra low, and TIRED lately which has me reaching for the high-sugar junk food.

Whoa. We just – like just this second – had an earthquake. Not a big one, but it rumbled through the house, and jolted the flaties out of bed and into the hallway. We all just kind of stood there for a second making sure it was all over, made a few jokes, and then went back into our rooms, but still. It’s a little freaky to be dealing with earthquakes while the Christchurch disaster is still dominating our news.

I mean, yeah, we have our emergency supplies ready, We know where to go for our closest civil defence point. We have contact numbers for friends and family… But how ready can you ever really be for the Big One? I thought we were, but the second that quake hit my mind screamed to a halt, and all I could think was “I’m not ready! I thought I was, but I’m not ready!”

Anyway, to sum it all up: I’m tired, it’s all in my mind, the gym is good for me, earthquakes are scary.


5 thoughts on “I’d be sleeping if I wasn’t quaking.

  1. Process of elimination: if you know it isn’t anything chemical, it allows you to cross that one off the list. Note that I’m following on Nikki04’s comment above: just because the blood tests are clean doesn’t mean there can’t be other physical issues. And, seriously, don’t beat yourself up even if it is a thinking issue: I’m amazed how often and willing people are to dismiss things that they feel they “shouldn’t” be suffering from. If you are, you are, and that’s okay.

    Know that feeling about the gym well, especially as I blew off the gym last night because I was so stressed about studying!

    I guess we’re quake-buddies now. Though, at this point, I really don’t feel anything below a 3 or 4…

  2. I can very much relate to the feeling of total and utter exhaustion… and then there doesn’t seem to be an answer. I can get into a rut were I am so tired I have no energy for anything. Lots of sleep makes no difference etc etc. Exhaustion can very well be stress related as well. The only thing that has helped me is the very thing that I felt I had no energy for…. making myself going to the gym or the club. Eating proper home cooked food (which I also was too tired to do) and so forth. Am sure you have heard the drill before. But for me… it really has helped quite a bit. Now I just need to get my sleep pattern sorted… but that is another story. 🙂

    Hope the quakes stay away.

  3. Nikki04: I’m pretty sure I’m getting enough sleep – I think I do have a few diet issues though – Not enough protein and vegetable content, and a little too much high-GI junk food! I’m introducing healthy snacks like fruit and nuts as we speak 🙂

    Also? wo! I’m stylish! thanks!!

    Geekhiker: Me too! Last night was a 4. something, but apparently we had a three the other day that I didn’t even notice!

    Ivy: Thanks for dropping by 🙂 Yeah, stress seems to send everything else into a tail-spin for me. At some point I start wondering if it’s stress that’s causing the exhaustion, and bad eating habits, or the exhaustion that’s causing it all, or if it’s all triggered by the bad eating!! Then it all turns into this huge cycle of Feeling Crap.

  4. I felt a tremor once. I was in bed, and felt a “brrrm” and thought “Well, that was weird!” I think if I knew what it was, I would have freaked out.

    I think it’s good to know what it’s not.I’m glad there’s nothing physically wrong! Keep taking care of yourself, and don’t be too hard on yourself that it’s not easier. It gets better. 🙂

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