Is ‘hiding it better’ the same as ‘fixed’? Conclusion: Maybe.

So I had a… restful… weekend.

Sort of.

The flatties headed back to their respective empty nests, so I had the whole house to myself. About ten minutes after I arrived home to the cavernously empty house I realised that I have barely been alone for the past 9 months.

I mean, I haven’t had an entire house to myself for longer than a few hours since I went on medication to help me manage my depression. And for some reason? That was a freaking scary thought. And not in the way you might think… I was scared because I was so damn relieved.

Sometimes it feels like I’m constantly holding my breath. If I’m never alone, I can never relax, and I should always make sure I’m ready with the joking around, and the smiling, just in case someone knocks on my bedroom door.

So this weekend felt like a huge breath out. And that’s scary.

What if I’m not exactly getting better? What if instead I’m getting better at hiding it – even from myself?

Anyway this weekend I went to the gym, I had lunch with a friend, and then I turned the heater on in the lounge, and camped out doing nothing, eating pizza, and watching movies, and spending quality time with my fishies. And – for some strange reason – cleaning.

My mood was not awesome the whole time, but it was nice to just wallow in it for a bit. Well. Maybe nice is the wrong word. It was…. a relief… I guess just to be able to say ‘ok I don’t feel very awesome right now. So I’m going to give myself until Sunday night to indulge the not-awesomeness. Then I’m going to pull myself together and be an adult again in time for Monday.

In other news, regarding the cute but absent and not working phone. I sent it back, and the company did testing, and their response was ‘what do you mean it’s not working? It’s working great! This is exactly how this phone should operate!’

And I’m all like ‘Seriously? REALLY? Someone designed a phone to be this stupid?’

And they’re all like ‘Yes. Yes they did. And you brought this steaming pile of shite because it was ridiculously cheap. And look! It’s operating cheap! You get what you pay for.’*

*I might be paraphrasing.

In other non related to anything news, I totally wrote about my favorite thing on NZgirl. Because I want to win something. Naturally. You can read it here: Reader Favorite: Taekwon Do. You should totally go do that and give me some NZgirl love. Because I’d do it for you. You know I would.

3 thoughts on “Is ‘hiding it better’ the same as ‘fixed’? Conclusion: Maybe.

  1. I kinda know how you feel. I’ve never had an easy time with roommates, I’m much better on my own. Yet, undeniably, I sit around sometimes trying to convince myself that I’m not lonely…

  2. I know sometimes when I fake being in a good mood, I actually find myself in a good mood quite a few times. The rest of the time, a little tiny hurricane starts building up in my head.
    While I think we are pretty social as human beings, people should have a day to just walk around the apartment in their underwear and do whatever the heck they want.

  3. I completely understand how you were feeling. When we struggle with depression, as I do also, it’s hard to let people see what’s really going on with us. It doesn’t help any that so much of society interprets depression as weakness and something we SHOULD BE ashamed of. As a result we feel like we have to keep our guard up all the time. You described it beautifully saying, “Sometimes it feels like I’m constantly holding my breath.”

    I know that it’s scary confronting it head on, but I think it’s important to be able to do that from time to time. I’m glad you got that opportunity and it sounds like you handled it well.

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