Gah I’m having a stupid day today. overall I’m having more fun, because I get it now – it’s all just a state of mind, and you have a choice – a fundamental one about whether you’re going to embrace the good and laugh about the bad, or whether you’re going to treat it all as transitory, and inevitably bad. I. Get. It.
But christ it doesn’t mean it’s always an easy decision. It’s so much less work to just let it slide. Stop choosing the good.
So I’m trying harder. And overall it’s working. But then I get these days where everything seems to go to shit. Like today. I was so freaking tired, and then I got to work, and I couldn’t freaking concentrate, and then: Bam. Out of nowhere I get the headache from hell.
Of course. I say out of nowhere, but the signs were all there. But still. I’m so freaking tired of the pressure inside my head all the time. These headaches aren’t as bad as side-effects from anti-depressants go, I guess, but they really kill my ability to embrace the good and the fun.
And the thing is, I KNOW that my mood right now is linked the the fact I haven’t worked out properly in nearly a month now. My cough is almost gone, so I should go back… But now I’m at the point where getting back to the gym, or dragging my tired cold butt on public transport to Miramar, to wear a uniform that is a size too small and feel stupid amongst kids half my age, or even just putting on my trainers, well it’s all just really freaking hard. Sometimes I get tired of all the hard work. You know?
Like just for once it would be nice to have it easy.
But then I guess I’m making it hard on myself. I’ll feel better if I get some proper exercise in, so I should really get the heck out of my own way and just do it. Blah. Winter. Who wants to work an 8 hour day in a freezing cold office, and then drag themselves through rain, and wind, and crappy weather, to workout for another hour? No one. That’s who.
I can’t wait for the sun to come back. I miss being warm.
Also? My day is not being made easier by the realisation that a good portion of men are total lying scum. Like, seriously. In the last two months I’ve had so many married guys approach me on the dating site that I lurk around. I’ve met some really nice (but not for me) guys via internet dating, but by god, it’s really destroying my limited faith in marriage. These guys only ever own up to it if you ask them outright, but I’ve come up with a good system for spotting them. They never have photos. They advertise themselves as ‘divorced’ or ‘separated’ They sign off their flirtatious first email with a single letter – or worse – a name you know they’ve given themselves.
And then I’m always all ‘wow this guy actually sounds really interesting!’ Then things get weird. He invites me to coffee to see if we click – but doesn’t exchange numbers.He’s only available at weird times. Then when you outright ask he admits that yeah he’s still married ‘but there are extenuating circumstances’ or he’s looking for ‘someone on the side to spoil’.
At which point I’m blocking him and resisting the urge to send nasty emails about how he should probably go tell his wife about those circumstances, or how perhaps he should spoil the woman he married.
And the one that tipped me over the edge tonight? Well he sends me this message about how he’s in Wellington for a week, and would love someone to see the sights with. I ask straight up if he’s in a relationship with someone back in his home-town. And he tells me that yeah, he’s married – but not in Wellington. I mean, seriously. Dude. This isn’t Vegas. Your home-town is 20 minutes drive away. I’m pretty damn sure your commitment to your partner should stretch at least that far. And why in gods-name would I want to get involved with someone like that?! That sure as hell doesn’t scream ‘good long-term/ nice guy potential.’
I mean, I’m not even that pissed off that I somehow keep attracting the married douches. I’m just angry that no one seems to stay together forever anymore. What the hell happened to meeting the one, and dating, and then getting married, and loving each other forever? Hm? Instead all I hear about is divorce, and affairs, and people who are freaking miserable together, and yet hanging on in there for no better reason than they’re scared to be alone.
For what it’s worth? Being alone isn’t so terrible. I really think some of these clingers should give it a go. It’ll teach them a little about self-reliance for one. And maybe, just maybe they’ll recognize the real thing when it ones along, rather than just grabbing and clinging to the first warm body that sends a luke-warm invitation to coffee via a dating site.
And wow I’m cranky today. I think I need to start sourcing my dates from bars or something, because 25 is way too young to be feeling so jaded about men. Also I need to get my butt back to the gym to start working off some of this angry frustration. Perhaps a few boxing classes would be good. I’ll imagine all the actively cheating scum out there.