So. recently I did something that I didn’t tell anyone about… And last night I realised WHY I didn’t tell anyone about it: Because people would have told me not to do it, and I hate that. Being told not to do things. My theory is that some things you just have to learn for yourself, and if people disagree, well then dig in your heels, and get stubborn, because: see above.
I’m pretty sure my doctor doesn’t agree…But then, she seems to very rarely agree with me when I get to thinking up schemes.
So. Listen up kids, while I tell you all about something that you really shouldn’t try at home. Mostly because the consequences are sucky.
First I’d like to start by saying: I hate that I have to take medication in order to be able to function on a day-to-day basis. I hate it. I loathe that I can’t just be happy without daily medication.
It feels like I have this split, right down my center, and one half is logical, and knows that antidepressants don’t make me any more, or any less than who I am, they simply clear out the crap that hides it all. The other half… the other half is a bit more… emotional about the whole thing, and a lot less tolerant of what it perceives as a failure.
So anyway, a couple of months ago, I start noticing that actually? Life feels good more than it feels bad. I start to wonder about when I can come off medication. Despite knowing that coming off the kind of SSRI I’m on is a LONG SLOW highly thought-out process done with the support of a medical professional, I started to reduce my level.
Or.. More accurately, I got sloppy about when I was taking my meds. I justified it by telling myself that they’re a pretty forgiving medication, so really if I skip one day, it wasn’t going to make a huge difference. Except I wasn’t just skipping one day. I was skipping a couple in a row. Or more than half in a week.
So I wasn’t exactly being smart (or realistic) about it. Then last night I got home and sat there feeling AWFUL. Like. Terrible. Awful, terrible, bad. And I couldn’t figure out why. I mean, yes, this is a busy, scary, stressy time for me, but I was doing so well! Only yeah, not so much. I’m tired, I’m stressy, I’m anxious. I was doing well because of the meds. When I’m not on my full dosage then I’m not doing well.
Long story short, When I figured out that I didn’t want to tell people what I was doing because I knew exactly what they’d say… Well then I realised that I wasn’t ready. I still need my meds. And that sucks. But it’s ok.