Shambles

I have either gained weight in my stomach or lost it off my ass this morning because my pants will not stay up today. Or both… Maybe the fat just relocated overnight.

I have PCOS, that’s been known to happen before.*

Anyway today I spent my time doing an attractive tug and wiggle every time I stood up from my desk.

I also spent my day recovering my professional confidence from yesterday’s shit-show. I’ve been in my shiny new Project Manager for maybe three months now, and on a couple of my projects shit is getting real.

I was doing pretty OK up until yesterday, because even though I’m new I subscribe to the fake it till you make it theory. I fake it like a badass.

I thought I was doing OK till yesterday, then I was told about one comment about one of the projects being a shambles, and all of a sudden I’m all: “shit they’re right! I can’t do this! I have six projects on my books, and I’m going to tank them all!”

I was super disappointed because I’ve been a project coordinator for years, and over the last two years I made these massive leaps in what I was doing professionally. I was at the point where I could look someone in the face and tell them I was brilliant at my role in a project setting, and they needed me because I was the best at what I did. No fake confidence required. Proven, tested, validated, with the reviews from customers to back it up.

I guess I forgot for a moment that I’m not there yet as a PM.

Now I’m back at the scary end of the totem pole. I’m not the best at what I do anymore because I’m new, and I have a hell of a lot to learn.

If nothing else the scary end of the totem pole is the end that you grow at. It’s the end with the challenges, and the end with the stuff that keeps you engaged in your career. And if you keep pushing through, then you’ll hit the top again eventually.

… That is if your ill fitting pants don’t end up losing the fight against gravity somewhere embarrassingly public first.

This morning after I tugged and wiggled my responsible adult communicator pants back into place I managed to clear up what the comment was about and took the first steps to fixing it. It wasn’t directed at me as a PM, so much as an aspect of the project I hadn’t thought about in enough detail.

Picture me walking through the office with victory fists.

#stillnotfired

*Said no qualified medical professional ever.

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