So late afternoon yesterday I was lazing around in the sun, when I realised I hadn’t even touched the garden, which is silly because there is A LOT in that garden that needs work. Namely the raised weed beds. Once upon a time they were vege gardens. Now there’s one leek, and a buttload of weeds. Also some gross green potatoes, which apparently are the cockroaches of the vege garden.
So I went out with the full intention of weeding a vege garden.
Then I got distracted by a bunch of generic saplings that some dork had planted along the fence line. Right now they’re small, but in a year or two they’ll be big enough and bushy enough to obstruct my meagre afternoon sunlight. Also, they weren’t even remotely the kinds of trees I want here in my garden – they don’t work for the space they take up with fruit or colour, so I uprooted them, and dumped them on my compost heap.
Then I found myself eyeing up this evil behemoth:
I have no major issues with this tree, except the fact that it’s probably possessed by evil spirits. I mean, it’s fine, but it’s probably the same type of tree that was in Pans Labyrinth… You know, with the toad living under it, and the malicious intent. It’s been a while since I’ve seen that movie, but I’m sure that tree was evil.
Basically some idiot planted it years ago, and since then it’s spent it’s time growing higher, and wider, and sending out runners. It spreads like you wouldn’t believe – in fact, it was probably a weed once upon a time ago, and now it’s a bloody useless tree. If I was going to have a massive tree there I would rather it was a plum tree. Then it would be useful.
That big pile of branches and saplings? that all came from around the bottom 30cm of that bloody tree.
I think for now I’m going to leave it there, but keep a pretty aggressive pruning schedule for it. So long as the foliage is up high, it’s a good shade tree, I guess.
In the mean time I’m going to order my first ever green waste skip bin. I feel like I should be making one of those baby scrap books for home ownership. I could put a picture of the first hole in the wall, and sticky tape in the first chunk of wallpaper I accidentally ripped off. Some leaves from my first pruning spree. the receipt from my first electricians bill that made me faint.
(the electrician charged $80 to wear muddy boots inside my shower, prod at a lightbulb, verify his previous work wasn’t going to set my house on fire, then leave. It took maybe 5 minutes.)
And now: An imaginary conversation about the evil tree.
“Do you have anything stronger, poison-wise, than this?”
“What’s it for?”
“A tree. But, like, a possessed one. So I guess either stronger poison, or an exorcism.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s like that evil tree thing from Pans Labyrinth. You know, with the toad?”
“My afternoon has taken a strange turn.”
“Mine was outright weird. One minute I’m weeding the back garden, so that I can put some raised beds in, and the next, I’m tackling an evil tree with my pruning shears. It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than clippers and a pruning saw to kill this behemoth. Also, you know, on account of the evil.”
“…So I think you want a paint that you put on the stump to suppress further growth.”
“Do you have anything stronger? You know out the back? Maybe something you don’t give the regular customers?”
“No this is really it.”
“Right, no of course. Wink wink, nudge nudge. It’s ok. I’m cool. I know how this works.”
“Seriously, this is it. There is nothing stronger.”
“Well, that’s disappointing. I’ll just take another 10 of these then.”
“Wow. You must really want that tree gone.”
“I really do.”
“Haha, I hear salting the earth and setting evil spirits on fire works well too!… Which was 100% a joke. Don’t set your tree on fire.”
“No, no, It’s actually a workable idea. I live pretty close to the fire station.”
“We have a very good arborist I can recommend, How about I get you his card?”
“While I have you here, I have some questions about killing off sentient flax bushes. I think they’re conspiring against me.”