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Like Dressing a Cat in an Anxiety Shirt.

26 September, 2013

FRIEND: Though of Batz when I saw this:

Douchy shirt

SHAN: OMG. Can you imagine trying to put him in it?! Also does it come in sparkely pink with hearts? Because if it does, I’m so buying it for the little poobag.

FRIEND: Lol only grey sorry :) and they must be good because they cost $70!!!

SHAN: Ah well… Looks like I’m going to have to take up sewing. Some people think it’s weird going to these lengths to annoy a cat, but those people don’t own the world’s most manipulative douchecat.

FRIEND: Lol he’s very cute though :)

SHAN: That’s what he WANTS you to think…

Batty Cat

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About a mllion tangents… As per usual! Mostly it’s about the stealth movie theatre though.

9 July, 2013

The other day I was lamenting how much moolah I spend on petrol, when I discovered an awesome site the government runs that matches people up with carpoolers. I signed up, and it was all BAM and MAGIC, and all of a sudden I had a map with a bunch of people who live near me and want carpool buddies.

I picked a guy who looks less like a serial killer than your average carpooler, and lives just down the road, and one or two times a week we catch a lift in with each other.

This post isn’t about the fact that I’m an awesome hippy environmentalist though (does carpooling twice a week qualify me to be an environmentalist? I say yes.) (I also make my own compost.) It’s about the fact that this guy is BLOWING MY MIND with his area knowledge. For instance: did you know there’s a group of ladies in the area that go out to dinner once a month? I didn’t.

So We were driving along the other day, and I was telling him how silly I felt when I realised there was a dairy in Pauatahanui – which is about a 10-15 minute drive, rather than a half hour one back to the Hutt, where I used to go every time I ran out of milk.

Carpool buddy laughs, and says “Oh, so you must have found the movie theatre then!”

And I’m all “Haha, good joke… You are kidding, right?”

He wasn’t. There’s an honest to god boutique two screen movie theatre 10 minutes down the road from the remote farm I live on. And? A bar. Also? a restaurant/ cafe with a world-famous caramel slice. They’re literally JUST around the corner from the little dairy that took me 9 months to find.

So while I’m still reeling from the discovery of a whole bloody movie theatre down the road that I managed to miss seeing for a year and a half, you should go watch a cool* TED talk I saw, about the link between climate change, and the war on terror. I read about this at Uni, and it seemed pretty far-fetched at the time, but this video makes it WAY more accessible!

 *It’s quite possible my definition of cool is different from most peoples though… Considering I had to do 3 months of required reading, and a 2500 word essay on this subject. Imagine all the time I could have saved if I’d just spent more time on you tube.

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Mosquitos, Motivation, and My Bro the Entrepreneur

8 July, 2013

Mosquito

Woho! Monday! Look how pleased I am about it being Monday. It’s almost like I like Mondays or something (I don’t.)

Anyway, somehow I managed to get dressed this morning with a mosquito in my top, or something, and now I have itchy bites on my back on chest. I can tell they’re mosquito bites, because I have crazy reactions to them. Also I keep accidentally making inappropriate eye contact with people while I have my hand down my bra scratching. Hello Manager I rarely talk to; watch as I make a career limiting move.

In other news I finally told my landlord about the fact that I accidentally dyed the carpet in front of the bathroom Crimson Kiss due to a tragic hair-dye related incident. Here’s the awesome bit: They laughed. Then they told me they were upgrading my gas water heater. Also would I like under-floor insulation? Because they’re happy to do it for me if I’d like.

I don’t know about you guys, but usually I don’t get rewarded for causing property damage. I’m thinking maybe next time I set the kitchen on fire (because, lets face it, there will be a next time) I might drop a few hints about wanting new lino in the bathroom. And a new glass encased shower. With a claw-foot bath.

(I’m kidding. Obviously I’d have to do something major, like knock down a wall to get them to install a bath for me.)

So I guess, aside from the sneak attack from the evil mosquito, Monday actually hasn’t been too bad. My new water heater will be in place when I get home from work tonight, And while it’s not quite a claw-foot bath, having a hot shower is just as good because over the last week or so it’s been mostly luke-warm showers, interspersed with polar blasts.

Also, I’ve been listening to TED talks at work today. There was an interesting one about why your 30’s are not the new 20’s (because in your 20s you set yourself up for massive important phases of life) and one about why most people don’t have a great career, or even just a good one, because we talk ourselves out of doing amazing things, because we’ll probably fail. I also revisited one by Amanda Palmer (who is one of my favorite people) about the importance of asking for help. TED Talks are awesome.

My brother Ryan actually introduced me to TED, being the young pioneering entrepreneur that he is. He’s got a bunch of projects on the go at the moment, the coolest of which, is a business he’s just started up with a friend selling Wifi Lights. There’s nothing like looking up and realising that your little brother (who you always see as an annoying 9 year old in your head) is grown up enough to be running a business, and talking about distributors and growth plans.

The lights themselves are super long-lasting power saver bulbs, that you can control over Wifi. Handy, I think, if you’re in a old house like mine without handy-dandy dimmer switches, and ceilings higher than most ladders will reach. Changing the bulbs in my house requires a three day planning period, and hiring specialist equipment. The longer I can get away with not ever doing that again, the better… Plus they come in colours, so if, say, I wanted to freak out my landlords by tinting all the lights red like it’s been invaded by escaped demons, and cursed dead people who crawl out of TV sets… Well then I could. I’d never sleep again, but I could totally do it.

Anyway. You should check out Ryan’s site, and give him some feedback (he loves feedback) he’s at www.wifilights.co.nz Or maybe you can just go talk annoying short-hand hipster at him for me (he hates that. Totes.)

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#notadildo

1 July, 2013

So, a couple of weekends ago there was this massive storm, and I had the best post ever about it. I was going to draw pictures and everything, maybe even break out the watercolours. Except nothing I drew could quite encompass the dramatics involved in breaking down* in the worst storm in Wellington in the past 20 years, and nothing could encompass just how menacing power lines down across the road are.

DRAMATIC SCENE

I think I had issues with drawing and writing this up because the drama mostly happened in my head, and in the car, and I’m not really great at drawing cars. I tried a version where I drew the car as the gherkin, but that came out looking unintentionally pornographic, like I rode a giant lumpy green dildo through a massive storm, and had to limbo it under a fallen tree in order to get somewhere warmer than my house to avoid hypothermia.

DILDOCAR

Just to clear any confusion up: I do not own a dildo with wheels. I own a Gherkin, which is a metaphor for a car, which is old, and green, and well-preserved. Like a pickle. #NOTADILDO.

So basically, two weeks ago there was a storm which was excellent blog material, because it was windy enough that there was probably a woman on a bicycle spinning around cackling about getting me, and my little dog too. I promptly lost my blog mojo, and crumpled under the incredible weight of reporting on the fact I survived four days without power, and cooked on a BBQ in the middle of winter, and then wimped out in the face of FREEZING COLD WEATHER, and drove to my dads place where I took a three-hour long hot bath, and cooked a pot of chicken soup big enough to feed a rugby team because: I do not like being cold. AT ALL.

Also I brought a new hat, because I could see my breath inside. It’s kind of a fashion statement, in that I can never wear it in public. So, like a BAD statement. That you never tell anyone about, and hope that there’s no photographic proof.

Dork Hat

Other things I did during the crazy storm:

  • Lit candles and crossed all my fingers and toes I wouldn’t have to break the news about the hairdye on the carpet to my landlords along with an “Oh, and I accidentally burnt down the living room, because it’s dark in there when there’s no power.”
  • Avoided the mirror for three days because my shower needs a water pump to work so my hair was like WHOA, and I have this irrational fear of looking in the mirror in the dark, and seeing someone else looking back at me. And when I say irrational fear, I mean totally justified, because DUDES IT CAN TOTALLY HAPPEN. I’ve heard stories. And they end with words like “and then everyone died.”
  • Upgraded to a metal torch, which works as both a source of light, bright enough to illuminate a suspicious sheep on the next ridgeline, and a weapon in the case of a zombie apocalypse. And it was on sale! 20% off Bitches!
  • Spent multiple hours in the car charging my phone enough to post a quick “I’m alive” to facebook and text people who wanted to double-check I wasn’t trapped down a cliff, or under a fallen tree.

*When I say break down? I mean ran out of petrol, because I was playing chicken with my fuel light, and the fuel light won. Cocky know-it-all bastard.

** Don’t judge the spelling on my awesome post-it note drawings. I don’t do well without spell check. Also, you’re lucky I drew anything because I’ve been failing at the storm pictures for real.

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3 Beautiful Things

12 June, 2013

Home

1. Instagram. I love Instagrumbling about things like scary massive wetas. And the filters make me feel like an artiste.

2. Being told I look extra-specially beautiful and shiny today by my local domesticated convenience store clerk. Mostly because today when I did my make-up my inspiration was drag queen, and I’m wearing a lot of sparkly silver and blue eyeshadow.

3. Signing up on a car-pool website, and finding a possible carpool buddy – who definitely doesn’t sound like a serial killer. Because petrol is expensive, and Mr Money Mustache says it’s a damn good idea. I, too, am keen to retire in my 30’s, so am more than happy to take Mr Mustache’s money saving advice!)

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I was definitely exaggerating the dying bit.

10 June, 2013

Not an over-reaction

So here’s a super fun new thing I’ve discovered about PCOS. The whole cysts on ovaries thing that make up the P and the O? Well, they ‘resolve’ themselves sometimes, and basically that means they rupture, and cause awful pain. Awful stabby wavy pain that comes and goes and then comes again, once you thought you were safe.

It’s like all the stabby things end up in your lower abdomen, and in your pelvic floor muscles, making things that you didn’t even know you used those muscles for excruciating. Like standing up out of a chair. And breathing. Also blinking.

Stabby things

Internet, and friends with PCOS say that it’ll go away soon though, which will be nice. Batz will like it too, because his usual response to me being sick (especially when I’m running a fever, and therefore deliciously hot like a giant hot water human) is to sprawl on my belly luxuriate in his improvised sauna. He was unimpressed that this time around he was only allowed to sit on my face (less surface area for sprawling, I suppose.)

My weekend wasn’t quite the bust I thought it would be though. I went to see the Great Gatsby, and loved it like I never loved the book. I liked the book, because even back in high-school when some of the themes were difficult to grasp, the language was kind of moreish and good to run over my tongue. The movie, though, had the language still, but it also had a whole new accessibility. I’m thinking that whoever gets that book assignment next year in school is going to have a MUCH easier time of it than I originally did!

So yeah there was movie goodness, and curly fries with Louise, because both Louise and Curly fries are awesome – even when you’re inhaling them 5 minutes before you need to get somewhere. I also had Friday off, in an attempt to get myself some sanity leave. It worked fabulously, and I spent most of the day in Petone, looking at their weird little gifty shops. I even went to a fancy pants candle store, sniffed everything, spilt a $12 box of fancy matches, then walked out without buying ANYTHING. It was awesome. I even got scowled at.

So what did you do this weekend? Fun things?

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So, it’s looking pretty damn permanent.

10 June, 2013

HairdyeIAMDEAD

So. This happened.

The It’s Crimson Kiss hair dye. Or as I like to think of it; the Kiss of Death to my Bond Hair Dye Incident.

So I’ve been experimenting with various methods to get rid of it – methods including vinegar and soda water, and rubbing alcohol. so far nothing’s quite working, so I’m ALSO experimenting with methods for covering it up. My four favorite so far (Excuse the photos I took them at night, and the flash did weird things to my phone camera..

The traditional rug cover up:

Traditional Rug Cover-up

The beauty of this one is that it has a long tradition of being effective. Yes it’s a strange spot for a rug, but I’ve been rearranging my house for feng shui, and that happens to be my money spot (different, I think to the money shot.) Feng Shui says that if I keep a rug there for ever and ever, even after I move out, I can expect a small windfall upon moving. (Where small windfall means: My bond.)

The unexpected pot-plant:

Unexpected Potplant coverup

Who wouldn’t keep a pot plant right there? It’s at exactly the point to be appreciated from my armchair, AND whilst walking through the most used pathway in the house. every time I stub my toe on that pot plant I’ll be able to take a moment to appreciate how awesome it is.

The Completely Expected ClockFloor:

clockfloor coverup

So what? It’s a clock on the floor. Sure you might keep your clock on a wall, or a shelf, but honestly, that’s so 2012. Why look up when you can look down, man? Totally.

This is art. Don’t move it:

Avant garde

Introducing the freshest take on conceptual art this year. It’s avant garde for gods sake. Stop asking questions.

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